Guide to writing a bad crackpot paper

• The abstract should introduce the topic on which you will be speaking. The first couple sentences should read like those of a wikipedia entry on the related branch of science, in case the reader has never heard of that branch before. Your target audience doesn't know anything about science; they are blank pages ready to be filled with your knowledge! General statements alluding to great accomplishments made in the paper are good because they build anticipation, but no specific details should be given in an abstract. It is better not to spoil the surprise!
• Ensure to include an acknowledgments section, but acknowledge only yourself. This emphasizes your "lone wolf" status. Impressing the reader is paramount, and the reader will understand the gravity of the paper's genius when she realizes that you did this all by yourself.
  
  An allowed exception is to acknowledge God for His contributions to and inspirations for your work.
• End on an inspirational note. Scientists are very dogmatic, and may not accept your work... mainly due to prejudice. It may sway their favor to remind them of Galileo or other revolutionaries who, like you, also wrote groundbreaking papers that bucked the standard. Some readers need to be reminded to keep an open mind, or that a positive, accepting attitude will make them feel better than would remaining a curmudgeony old scientist.